Monday, March 5, 2012

A very honest post.

Warning: There are lots of thoughts in this head of mine tonight. My heart feels a bit heavy, and I'm bit emotional (I mean, more than my usual... i'm always emotional). So this is going to be a big ole dump of thoughts about life lately. The good, the bad and the ugly... and the beautiful.
Its long and I don't think I'll read it for errors. This little place is my way of keeping a "journal" for our little family though, and I don't want to only highlight the pretty pictures of life. I want my kids to look back and read all of this (hopefully in beautifully bound book, lol) and see my flaws and know that I try hard to learn from life's not so fabulous moments.

Saturday night, Daniel and I had plans to go to our favorite event of the whole year. Its a fundraiser for our school district and it is just one of funnest nights of the year. I love getting a chance to get super dolled up and I love even more seeing everyone we know dolled up. I just giggle when I think about how just the other day I just saw "Amy Sue" running up the entrance to our kids' school while dragging her kid behind her saying things like "hurry honey, you'll be late AGAIN if we don't HURRY!" , with only 60 seconds to spare before the tardy bell rings. She doesn't have lick of make up on, she may or may not have slept in that same ponytail last night. And please don't think for a second I'm seeing her in passing. I'm at her heals because Dylan and I are in the exact same (tardy) boat. And now here we are looking all put together. Seeming as though we actually have some wits about us. No longer frazzled messes of a mom. But cool, calm, well put together woman, ready to take life (or at least the night) by the horns! Next week, we'll be messes of moms doing our best to get it right. But its fun for a night!
*I love the picture below because London insist on being in the photo with us.
Sadly, I came down with a stomach bug Friday night. I never had fever or even threw up, but I was so nauseous! Nauseousness is my least favorite thing to be sick with. I finally was able to fall asleep Saturday while my mom watched the kids (Daniel was working) and woke up feeling 1000 times better, but still not 100% back to normal. Still, I thought I could shake it. So, I got everything ready and got dressed so we could go. When we got there, I thought I was feeling okay. We mingled for a couple of hours and then we sat down for dinner. As soon as we sat down, I knew I was done. The food wasn't even out yet. Daniel was able to finish his beautiful steak but not his dessert before we left. My sparkly little shoes never even touched the dance floor. I was so sad to miss the best parts of the night. But I am glad I got to see everyone and their fashions.

Come Sunday evening, I was feeling pretty much back to normal. And then my poor hubby started feeling ill. And my boy started coughing up a storm. Daniel hit the sack super early, around 8pm, and woke up feeling great Monday. Thank the Lord! This week he wraps a game he's been working on for over a year at work, so he can not miss the first few days of this week.

Dylan seemed to be feeling better, though he was still coughing. He said he was good to go for school, so we sent him. As soon as I got him home from school, I could tell he didn't feel good, just by looking at him. I listened to his chest, and heard a wheeze, so I called and made an appointment at his doctor.

Looks like my boy has asthma. I'm so thankful that I had the instinct to take him in, even thought he didn't have fever and it didn't seem too too serious. Thank the Lord for the mommy instincts and wisdom he blesses us with. Anyways, its a mild case, which I'm so grateful for. We are doing breathing treatments and a steroid for the third time in 4 months, which I'm not thrilled about, and then we are going to meet with our doctor (we saw her partner yesterday) on Friday to come up with a treatment plan. I'm praying now for wisdom and clarity as to the best choices to make.
I'm thankful and grateful that its something that is mild. I'm human and feel sad that its anything at all. I'm a hypochondriac and overly worrisome. I've called the nurse once already and plan to call again tomorrow. I'm not meaning to complain, because I know how little this is compared to so many other illnesses. I am filled with anxiety over this whole situation but my gratitude really, really does overflow even past that. I hope that makes sense.

I'm exhausted also, because moms just don't sleep well when their babies are sick. Also, I can't fall asleep until Daniel gets home, and he's coming home extra late. I feel lazy and super on edge. I have not been a great, or even particularly good mom today. I've been a crummy "house wife" and spent a totally of 20 minutes on my house today, never mind that there are dirty dishes in the sink and a mountain of laundry to be done. I'm impatient and snappy.

Dylan is on edge because of the medicine and not completely his normal self. He was quite fussy with me tonight, then yelled at London for no reason (which sounds normal but is SO out of his character). And thats when I had one of the worst Mommy moments ever. I yelled and cursed AT my child. Actually I cursed three times in one big angry blurb. Again, AT my child. I instantly felt sick over it. I followed through with his time out and then pretty much begged for his forgiveness. I explained that no one should ever speak to anyone that way, but especially me to him. I must have said I was sorry 10 times in the hour between that and him going to bed. I read him a story, cuddled him to sleep and I still feel sick to my stomach over the whole thing. Who does that!? I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for that moment, but I will learn from it. I will not repeat it.

Here's the beauty. My boy loves me with his whole heart and with out conditions. He forgave me instantly. As soon as I asked for it. He had no idea that my heart was broken for the way I treated him. He just loved the time snuggling and reading with his mom. He's just ready to start a new day with a fresh page and a date with his mom and some legos tomorrow. And my girl loves her "bubba" just the same. She didn't think twice about forgiving him. I once didn't speak to my sibling for DAYS because they yelled and said ugly things to me. I feel like these little ones have a lot that they could teach me.

They beauty is that all of this will eventually calm down. Daniel will eventually be done working late. I will eventually get enough sleep in a night to feel like a human the next day. I'll eventually feel pleased with my "work" as a mommy for that day.
The beauty is a fresh start everyday.
Here's to doing my best to make the most out of tomorrow's.

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  1. Carla, you saw what you did as a failure and a huge mistake when you yelled and cursed at Dylan, but I urge you to look at it in another light:

    That has probably never happened to him before and I am sure he was very upset when it did happen, but you immediately realized your mistake and apologized to him, a little kid even though you are an adult.

    There were two things you taught him that day. One, that it is wrongs to yell and curse at someone so in the future, he will remember that and tell you if someone else does that to him. Second, when you begged him for forgiveness he learned that although he is a child, he is worthy or respect just the same as any other human being.

    With your one step back as a mommy, your child took two steps forward in learning how to be a wonderful human being.

    Love all of you very much,